my life is not yet in ruins, but it sure seems like i might get there this semester.
i have been killing myself trying to do everything. every monday night i have a book review due for one of my grad classes. every monday night i am finishing the book review ten minutes before its due. that is not how i typically do it. when i was an undergrad, i did not turn anything in before proofreading and editing it. my good writing habits have gone by the wayside, and now all i can hope for is to turn in a "paper." however useless and rotten the writing is. i hate to put my professor through the agony of reading it. i don't want to read it, and i sure don't want anyone else to read it either.
oh, well. as much as i try to finish reading the books before the weekend, i just can't do it! this weekend there was u.i.l. competition, a birthday party and chuck-e-cheese, and (as if that weren't enough excitement!) we had to go buy a new washer. so, not only did i fall behind on the reading, i fell behind on the washing, too!
this afternoon, i took my little one to the doctor. of course, she is important and getting her back examined is a priority, since she took an awful fall from the swing set. however, my reading suffers. i think it's time i have the "we need to talk" talk with myself. grad classes are all at night. evening excursions are not working out for my girls and me. tonight my #1 girl almost burned something down--it's called our house! (yes, i'm exaggerating a little bit!) i'm getting this sinking feeling that this isn't going to work.
i have a presentation tomorrow on the heart of darkness. very appropriate.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
it is my blog, and i will write about my breakdown if i want to!!
so here we go with the drama, again!! **sigh**
shall we begin?
(by the way--shall is a modal, which means that the action has not happened and may never happen; just like should)
anyway, today is tuesday, which means i have two evening classes. i don't "work" in the morning, and i am here at home most of the day. dans le monde ideal i would have done some light reading and cleaning aujourd'hui. instead, i spent the morning trying to clean the remnants of monday night's happenings because i came in exhausted from my monday night class and didn't clean then. but, maybe i should tell you that i spent the entire weekend reading a book because i had a review due on monday night. it was 190 pages of agricultural industrialization, which was quite interesting, but still exhausting!! i was still writing my paper at 6:50 p.m. (class starts at 7:10 p.m.), when my husband came home to take over the care of the girls.
o.k. so i try to read Heiddeger, Nietzsche, and Derrida! wholly cow, batman!! in my defense, i had read some stuff on thursday, and i thought i wasn't too behind. plus, i thought that 5 hours was enough to get through it. WRONG!!! i read, and re-read, and re-re-read, and nothing was sticking!! NOT A THING!! finally, it hit me: in order to understand this mind-bending stuff, i need some some mind-altering drugs! yes, that is what's been missing. of course, i didn't/can't run out and get them. so, i'm just going to resign myself to the lot of being a stupid student of literary theory.
anyway, the breakdown happened when i was looking at the clock and noticed that i had spent an exorbitant amount of time and was still not getting IT. so, i started making dinner for the girls because i'm not home when they get home from school on tuesdays. try as i may to channel my inner June Cleaver, i just fail. i thought i had everything i needed for dinner (i've actually made a monthly menu and look at it when i go shopping on the weekend) but i didn't have what i needed. so, now i'm not only not understanding the reading, but i have to take time to run to the store to get one item that i need.
i have my momentary breakdown on my way to heb. "why can't you plan right?" "why can't you get your reading finsished on time?" "why did you think you could go to grad school?" i realize that some single, working moms have it tougher, but i'm not living their lives. i'm trying to live mine--without having these moments of negativity. my girls are sacrificing so that i can go to school. my little one wants to know when i'll be "done, done with school, like when will you stop going to school, mommy?"
i realize that nothing worth having comes easy. and, that when i do have my master's degree it will be MY triumph. but it will also be my sacrifice and that of my family's.
all i can think of in these times is that my girls will have one huge incentive to get through school while they are young and single, and that incentive will be my life. they will remember these days. i know that without a doubt. i'm the perfect example of what not to do. they will think: don't put your family through that. don't put your kids through that. and more importantly, what i hope they think is, don't put yourself through that.
alors, i have decided that the only way this mother is going to get through this semester is by abusing another mother. i will be using paper plates, plastic cups, plastic utensils, it will be a plastic/paper-palooza until i graduate. too bad i can't cook using disposable pots.
bonsoir, good people!!
shall we begin?
(by the way--shall is a modal, which means that the action has not happened and may never happen; just like should)
anyway, today is tuesday, which means i have two evening classes. i don't "work" in the morning, and i am here at home most of the day. dans le monde ideal i would have done some light reading and cleaning aujourd'hui. instead, i spent the morning trying to clean the remnants of monday night's happenings because i came in exhausted from my monday night class and didn't clean then. but, maybe i should tell you that i spent the entire weekend reading a book because i had a review due on monday night. it was 190 pages of agricultural industrialization, which was quite interesting, but still exhausting!! i was still writing my paper at 6:50 p.m. (class starts at 7:10 p.m.), when my husband came home to take over the care of the girls.
o.k. so i try to read Heiddeger, Nietzsche, and Derrida! wholly cow, batman!! in my defense, i had read some stuff on thursday, and i thought i wasn't too behind. plus, i thought that 5 hours was enough to get through it. WRONG!!! i read, and re-read, and re-re-read, and nothing was sticking!! NOT A THING!! finally, it hit me: in order to understand this mind-bending stuff, i need some some mind-altering drugs! yes, that is what's been missing. of course, i didn't/can't run out and get them. so, i'm just going to resign myself to the lot of being a stupid student of literary theory.
anyway, the breakdown happened when i was looking at the clock and noticed that i had spent an exorbitant amount of time and was still not getting IT. so, i started making dinner for the girls because i'm not home when they get home from school on tuesdays. try as i may to channel my inner June Cleaver, i just fail. i thought i had everything i needed for dinner (i've actually made a monthly menu and look at it when i go shopping on the weekend) but i didn't have what i needed. so, now i'm not only not understanding the reading, but i have to take time to run to the store to get one item that i need.
i have my momentary breakdown on my way to heb. "why can't you plan right?" "why can't you get your reading finsished on time?" "why did you think you could go to grad school?" i realize that some single, working moms have it tougher, but i'm not living their lives. i'm trying to live mine--without having these moments of negativity. my girls are sacrificing so that i can go to school. my little one wants to know when i'll be "done, done with school, like when will you stop going to school, mommy?"
i realize that nothing worth having comes easy. and, that when i do have my master's degree it will be MY triumph. but it will also be my sacrifice and that of my family's.
all i can think of in these times is that my girls will have one huge incentive to get through school while they are young and single, and that incentive will be my life. they will remember these days. i know that without a doubt. i'm the perfect example of what not to do. they will think: don't put your family through that. don't put your kids through that. and more importantly, what i hope they think is, don't put yourself through that.
alors, i have decided that the only way this mother is going to get through this semester is by abusing another mother. i will be using paper plates, plastic cups, plastic utensils, it will be a plastic/paper-palooza until i graduate. too bad i can't cook using disposable pots.
bonsoir, good people!!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
my day in a flash
i feel like i should be documenting my struggles for the sake of my sanity. so, here is what my day was like:
in the morning, my #2 girl was having a hard time getting on the same sheet of music as the rest of us. i tried to be patient with her--for my sanity sake, you know. and then, out it came, "mommy," in a sort of desperate cry, "when will you be done with all of your classes? like when will you stop going to school?" of course, i had a quick flash of guilt strike me. something along the lines of, "you are such an awful mom leaving your kids motherless two nights of the week!" never mind that they are with their dad, and not completely abandoned, but oh, well...
since my husband had to tend to his work responsibilites today, he could not pick them up from school, and thus, enter mother-in-law into the picture.
i cleaned for most of the day to prepare for her since she was coming to stay with the girls after school. let me see...refigerator--check, laundry room--check, dishes--check, floors, dinning room table, kids bathroom, hall bathroom--check, check, check, and check.
as a result of my impending visit from my mother-in-law (mil), i didn't read what i needed to read for literary theory, or rather all of the reading assignments. i didn't put together my bibliography that was due tonight for my american history class.
at around 3:15, i threw some fish fillets/tenders/i don't-know-what in the oven and put some mac and cheese on the stove. i run out shortly after my mil gets here. then i think, "hmm, i haven't spoken to my mother all day." so, i call her. she is having some sort of issue with her house phone, and of course, she would be very happy if i could call the phone company. so, i do. while i'm on the road to pan-am.
luckily, my car has the hands-free thing. unluckily for me, the phone company on the other line does not recognize my helpless dialing of 1 on the keypad.
i get to class and here about Sassure, Claude Levi Strauss and try not to collapse from my all-day-cleaning-marathon.
afterward, i run down to the lab and try to piece together a bibliography.
when i get home, i sit down to eat a flour tortilla with leftover chicken from yesterday and throw in a some Mexican cheese for good measure. My husband, who has been filling out a return label (so i can run to the post office tomorrow)looks down at me and says, "you look tired."
just as i was going to open my mouth to say, "I'M BEAT!!!"
how was your day?
p.s. please excuse the misspellings and the incoherent writing.
in the morning, my #2 girl was having a hard time getting on the same sheet of music as the rest of us. i tried to be patient with her--for my sanity sake, you know. and then, out it came, "mommy," in a sort of desperate cry, "when will you be done with all of your classes? like when will you stop going to school?" of course, i had a quick flash of guilt strike me. something along the lines of, "you are such an awful mom leaving your kids motherless two nights of the week!" never mind that they are with their dad, and not completely abandoned, but oh, well...
since my husband had to tend to his work responsibilites today, he could not pick them up from school, and thus, enter mother-in-law into the picture.
i cleaned for most of the day to prepare for her since she was coming to stay with the girls after school. let me see...refigerator--check, laundry room--check, dishes--check, floors, dinning room table, kids bathroom, hall bathroom--check, check, check, and check.
as a result of my impending visit from my mother-in-law (mil), i didn't read what i needed to read for literary theory, or rather all of the reading assignments. i didn't put together my bibliography that was due tonight for my american history class.
at around 3:15, i threw some fish fillets/tenders/i don't-know-what in the oven and put some mac and cheese on the stove. i run out shortly after my mil gets here. then i think, "hmm, i haven't spoken to my mother all day." so, i call her. she is having some sort of issue with her house phone, and of course, she would be very happy if i could call the phone company. so, i do. while i'm on the road to pan-am.
luckily, my car has the hands-free thing. unluckily for me, the phone company on the other line does not recognize my helpless dialing of 1 on the keypad.
i get to class and here about Sassure, Claude Levi Strauss and try not to collapse from my all-day-cleaning-marathon.
afterward, i run down to the lab and try to piece together a bibliography.
when i get home, i sit down to eat a flour tortilla with leftover chicken from yesterday and throw in a some Mexican cheese for good measure. My husband, who has been filling out a return label (so i can run to the post office tomorrow)looks down at me and says, "you look tired."
just as i was going to open my mouth to say, "I'M BEAT!!!"
how was your day?
p.s. please excuse the misspellings and the incoherent writing.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Survival Guide
i have started grad school. and, yes, my friends, it is very hard. i am also a Teaching Assistant this semester. the funny thing is that in order to be a teaching assistant (TA), one must also take 3 graduate classes. of course, this would not be a problem, if i wasn't a full-time mom and half-hearted housekeeper. my life is in chaos right about now.
but, not to worry! i think i have devised a plan that will help me get through this semester. My weekly schedule should look like this:
Monday Morning: Attend History 1301 lecture in the morning.
Monday Evening: Graduate class in the evening, AND READ!
Tuesday Morning: Clean a little, study a lot, AND READ!!
Tuesday Afternoon: Attend both graduate classes at night.
Wednesday Morning: Attend history lecture.
Wednesday Afternoon: I MUST READ!!!
Thursday: My thursdays will now become "Toilet Thursdays!" Huzzah!!! I will try to dedicate this day to cleaning my house, i.e. sweeping, mopping, changing the sheets, All day cleaning-palooza!! Yay for me!! AND, OF COURSE, I MUST READ!!!!
Friday morning: Attend history lecture.
Friday afternoon: Treat myself to something nice before the weekend onslaught that is having my girls and my husband at home, AND I MUST READ!!!!!
Saturday: Is the day of Laundry!!! Also, my girls have to dust their rooms. And, if I feel particularly cruel, I'll make them clean out their drawers, AND I MUST READ!!!!!!
Sunday: Beside going to church, it will be the day of preparing clothes
for the week, AND I MUST READ!!!!!!!
do you see a common denominator in all seven days? the exclamation points will give you a hint. here is another one, GRADUATE SCHOOL = READING!
yes, yes, there is a gob load (<--is that a word?) of reading. each week in my monday class, i will have a book review due. EACH WEEK! in my english literary theory class, i'm having to read things that are WAY, WAY, ABOVE MY IQ!!! i didn't/haven't read Derrida, Heidegger, or Freud, Lacan, Foucault, or anything that resembles that. really, i need a crash course in all of these writers. But, i will try to make the most of it. we read Terry Eagleton's introduction to literary theory book this past week. other than the minor detail of not knowing who the aforementioned people were, i found his writing to be charmingly caustic and absolutely lovely. i found myself laughing outloud at my kitchen table.
Here is one of the passages that cracked me up:
(in writing about freud and neurosis)
"One question which immediately arises, however, is why it is human beings who should be the neurotic animal, rather than snails or tortoises. It is possible that this is merely a Romantic idealization of such creatures and that they are secretly a good deal more neurotic than we think; but they seem well-adjusted enough to an outsider, even though there may be one or two cases of hysterical paralysis on record" (132). Terry Eagleton's, "Literary Theory: An Introduction."
i thought that was funny.
anyway, being that today is thursday, which has now been declared as "Toilet Thursday," i must tend to my courtly duties at the three different thrones.
but, not to worry! i think i have devised a plan that will help me get through this semester. My weekly schedule should look like this:
Monday Morning: Attend History 1301 lecture in the morning.
Monday Evening: Graduate class in the evening, AND READ!
Tuesday Morning: Clean a little, study a lot, AND READ!!
Tuesday Afternoon: Attend both graduate classes at night.
Wednesday Morning: Attend history lecture.
Wednesday Afternoon: I MUST READ!!!
Thursday: My thursdays will now become "Toilet Thursdays!" Huzzah!!! I will try to dedicate this day to cleaning my house, i.e. sweeping, mopping, changing the sheets, All day cleaning-palooza!! Yay for me!! AND, OF COURSE, I MUST READ!!!!
Friday morning: Attend history lecture.
Friday afternoon: Treat myself to something nice before the weekend onslaught that is having my girls and my husband at home, AND I MUST READ!!!!!
Saturday: Is the day of Laundry!!! Also, my girls have to dust their rooms. And, if I feel particularly cruel, I'll make them clean out their drawers, AND I MUST READ!!!!!!
Sunday: Beside going to church, it will be the day of preparing clothes
for the week, AND I MUST READ!!!!!!!
do you see a common denominator in all seven days? the exclamation points will give you a hint. here is another one, GRADUATE SCHOOL = READING!
yes, yes, there is a gob load (<--is that a word?) of reading. each week in my monday class, i will have a book review due. EACH WEEK! in my english literary theory class, i'm having to read things that are WAY, WAY, ABOVE MY IQ!!! i didn't/haven't read Derrida, Heidegger, or Freud, Lacan, Foucault, or anything that resembles that. really, i need a crash course in all of these writers. But, i will try to make the most of it. we read Terry Eagleton's introduction to literary theory book this past week. other than the minor detail of not knowing who the aforementioned people were, i found his writing to be charmingly caustic and absolutely lovely. i found myself laughing outloud at my kitchen table.
Here is one of the passages that cracked me up:
(in writing about freud and neurosis)
"One question which immediately arises, however, is why it is human beings who should be the neurotic animal, rather than snails or tortoises. It is possible that this is merely a Romantic idealization of such creatures and that they are secretly a good deal more neurotic than we think; but they seem well-adjusted enough to an outsider, even though there may be one or two cases of hysterical paralysis on record" (132). Terry Eagleton's, "Literary Theory: An Introduction."
i thought that was funny.
anyway, being that today is thursday, which has now been declared as "Toilet Thursday," i must tend to my courtly duties at the three different thrones.
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