break it down

i'm on break, and it feels wonderful...

for the most part, anyway. i need to figure out which classes i will take next semester. trying to see into a crystal ball is proving pretty tricky. what to do? what to do? yes, i really wish someone could take me by the hand and say, "look little patricia, you must take this class and this class and then all of your requirements will fall into place. not only that, but you will thoroughly enjoy your classes and quite possibly become an intellectual!"

this is what i know for sure about which classes i must take next semster:

i must dabble in latin american history. AN ABSOLUTE MUST!!! DEGREE REQUIREMENT MUST!!!

and that is it. according to the academic advisor (and you know that academic advisors have never steered students wrong ;) the world is my oyster. i can take any other class i want.



i'm sorry, my dear reader, i have rambled on long enough. i will put my soapbox away for now. good night.

if...

if i was to tell you that this semester has been the most difficult one EVER, would you call me a crybaby? never in my years of college had i ever taken 15 hours. madness, i tell you, madness! i am glad it is all over! well...kind of...there is that nerd in me that loves to learn, you know!!

i still have my grammar test tomorrow. (the one i should be studying for--instead of blogging about.) perhaps i like blogging because it SO much like blabbing. i love to talk, and talk, and talk; just ask my husband. and i guess blogging is talking with my hands. but, i really must study...i have to review all the conjunctions, relative clauses, dangling modifiers, etc., etc.,

au revoir!! bon chance a vous!!

speaking of french, i am still actively pursuing my french lessons. j'etudie le francais les vendredi avec hana et pauline. mais, je dois etudie le grammaire anglais maintenant. un jour mon coeur me dit que je veux etre professeur en France. Je pense que je serais tres contente et j'aurais une vie heureuse. C'est un beau reve, n'est pas?



(i don't have my french dictionary handy, but i hope i wrote that correctly.)

it's almost over

if i could call a friend right now...

i would tell her that i DO NOT WANT to write my final exam essays for my literary theory course. i'm tired, and i'm tired, and i'm tired...

but i need to encourage myself in christ and finish my race.


happy tuesday to all of you!

Redeeming My Time

ever since i started my college career, i have felt this desperate need to redeem the time i lost after high school. you see, i am not your traditional student...i messed up my life in so many ways after i graduated from high school. so, i have felt blessed with the opportunity to redeem myself. the wonderful opportunity, however, came with a huge responsibility: DO IT RIGHT!!! thus, i have been killing myself for each grade. i have struggled through many semesters, but i have never faltered. you see, my dear reader, i was trying to redeem my past. in vain i have tried, only to come to the sudden realization that i can't. only Jesus can redeem me--my past, my fears, and my sins.

***********************************************


Below is a beautiful poem written by Jael Sprinkle. Thank you so much!!!


She sits and studies in a chair
Near the window
With clear air
Filtering through
Releasing cares of
Her grow-up life.

She's a girl again
Sweet and pretty
With a mind and a will
And a dream

But the woman inside her
brings the fight that lights
her alive and gives her a drive
and keeps her turning
page upon page upon
pencil scratched page
til she's written the world
exactly the way
she wishes.

It's a fight-

And the light's gone low
her supper's cold
but she closes her book and
turns off the lamp.
Quietly she crosses the living room
to kiss her sleeping husband who waited
until he dozed on the couch, the television on.
She presses "off" then makes her way down
the hall to her sleeping daughters
to catch a glimpse of their small faces
to remember the reason she's turning the pages
of a life once stale, now full, overflowing
with trying and fighting and pushing and moving
everything around until it fits
just the way she wanted it.

Her life, once small, now large enough
for grandchildren and intelligent love
and students that might never have known
this lovely world that she has presented to them
from the crisp pages
she was up til midnight
crafting with her very soul
to move their very souls
to see the world
she wrote for her children's children.


You have my every confidence. Hang in there friend!!

for the week ending 10/16

well, another week is in the books. i did so-so and i'm just glad the week is over. there are now officially eight weeks left in the semester. and, eight times 3 is 24, so that means that i have 24 more days of this agonizing term left.





grammar: we learned about adverbs and particles. particles are actually a lot of fun. they can be moved around in a sentence with no problem. i.e. Gage put off the operation. Gage put the operation off. She turned in the exam. She turned the exam in. OFF and IN are the particles and they can be moved around in a sentence. adverbs, on the other hand, are not fun at all! i actually have to engage my brain...



hemingway: we started a farewell to arms. i wish i had read romeo and juliet. a farewell to arms is suppose to be hemingway's romeo and juliet and i don't see the comparisons because i've never read romeo and juliet.



american novel: we are still reading the scarlet letter. what can i say? dimmesdale put himself through hell for not confessing. hester, on the other hand, seems to me like she gave the puritans "h*ll" by defiantly wearing the scarlet letter.



descriptive linguistics: i missed monday's lecture, and i had a lost feeling all week. i missed the lecture on prepositional phrases. we took a quiz on friday. i know for sure that i labeled "may" as a complement, when it was really an auxilary verb. oh, well...



literary theory: I'M DYING!!!!!!! i really don't get "IT." i think the schools are fighting over abstract things that will never have an absolute answer. to think that some people have made this their life's work is mind-boggling!



en francais: i'm still trying to learn french. i am reading "le petit prince." c'est tres interessant!



that is it for this past week. i need to work on some homework that is due tommorow.

au revoir!

for the week ending on 10/08

this week was a mixed bag. on the one hand, i received excellent grades on two tests. on the other hand, I AM BEAT!!! i feel beat both mentally and physically. And, there is still nine more agonzing weeks before this is all over.

but, here we go:

Grammar: Are "a" and "an" indefinite or definite articles? Well, let me tell you, judging by the three points I lost on the test, they are INDEFINITE articles. If I had taken the time to engage my brain, I think I would have gotten the right answer.

let me see, what else? we started studying adverbs today. i think adverbs are the hardest, most misunderstood, i-don't-want-to-study-them kind of words. why? i guess because they are unclear to me. for example, i have adjectives down pat: a part of speech that modifies a noun. i.e., beautiful, handsome, pretty, etc. but, adverbs modify verbs. hmm? if they end in -ly, i have no problem. but, enough already about adverbs.

Hemingway: i took a test last friday and did well. what would i be able to say about hemi that would add to the extensive scholarship that already exists? NOTHING!! we read short stories all of this week; mostly about Italy. i do wonder, though, if he saw/experienced first hand the change of values after wwi. we all know that he served with the italians during the war, but did he realize all that had changed after the war when he went back?

American Novel: we have started reading the scarlet letter. ah, hester, hester, why did you get yourself into so much trouble? was dimmesdale worth it? or was it that chillingsworth was not worth keeping? the puritans, you must admit, were extremely harsh and practically Godless. they had NO mercy! perhaps my statement is harsh, but i wonder how could they demonstrate God's mercy?

Descriptive Linguistics: oh, my goodness! trees, trees, and more trees. S--> NP VP. or S--> NP VP PP, something like that. we took a quiz today...

Literary Theory: dr. b lectured on historical criticism and the yellow wallpaper. she nearly had a confession out of me. "yes, it's too true! i am the woman in the yellow wallpaper trying desperately to get out! i have need to work--I have not worked these passed 11 years."
ay, ay, ay...

et parce qu'est vendredi, aujourd'hui, je suis allee a mon "cours" de francais.

i didn't do too well. i need to take these french lessons more seriously.

that is all folks!

we will see what the next week will bring.

bien a vous!

The French Correction

Below is an email conversation with my French tutor. Her email is the first one, of course, she is responding to what I sent her (which is the second one--with all the corrections). What can I say, but "Ben, un jour je poudrais ecrive le francais." (I think that is right, I don't know. I should probably include it in my next email to her.)

Hello!

I'm soo sorry to hear that you're not good, but don't worry, your normal classes and your home come first! French tutoring should not be a burden for you so if you feel too busy, stressed or tired don't worry... you'll just do the excercise later, even if it's a week after!Your French is not bad at all (I corrected some things, but it's still good :) ).

For now I'll just say try to rest !!! and Good luck for tomorrow, I'm sure everything will go well :)

Good night !


I feel like i should label this email with a warning, such as:

CAUTION: You are about to read horrible French--please forgive me for I know not what I write!

Bonjour!

Ça va pas mal [you would say "ça va mal" or "ça ne va pas" and if you want to insist on the fact that it's you, you should say "je vais mal" or "je ne vais pas bien"] (is it avec moi? to say that it doesn't go well with me. or do I say pour moi--to say for me?) Je suis très occupée parce que mon emploi du temps c'est [no need for "c'" you should say mon emploi du temps est très chargé] très chargé. Demain je passer [je passes] un examen dans mon cour [de] descriptive linguistics. C’est très difficile ! Mais, je ne veux pas étudier plus. [it's ok!] (I’m trying to say that I don’t want to study anymore.) Je suis très fatiguée maintenant. Je fais [you should use past tense, and you would say then "j'ai fais" ] le ménage aujourd’hui, parce que je suis le esclave/slave/esclava [ une esclave] dans ma maison et j’etudie aujourd’hui, aussi. Je veux faire mes devoirs du [de] Français demain après mon cours.

Au revior !

what i've learned/what i know

several years ago, i would post these entries throughout my semester. i want to start writing them again. i think they give me a good pulse on how my semester is going. they also help me count my long weeks down. so here we go:

what i've learned:

school started on august 31, and tomorrow will be september 21--i guess that is about three weeks? (i really don't feel like doing the math :)

Grammar:

it turns out i really like the professor, dr. heckler. although he seems like a very serious man, he has these little quirks and sayings that make him very affable. so far i've done o.k. in the class. i do remember, however, a homework assignment that appears to be bleeding profusely. my only saving grace is that homework is only corrected, but not graded--thank you Lord! another very interesting tidbit I've learned is the origin of the word grammar. according to the professor it comes from the greek word "gramma" which means something in writing. and then the french word grammaire which was a combination of occult and learning. the occult learning, of course, was done when the church prevented the people from learning how to read or write. therefore, it was done in secret. he had another comment on the word spell--which could mean putting words together with the alphabet or as in magic, a magic spell. i don't know about you, but i find that kind of nerdy stuff very interesting!

Hemingway:

we have mostly gone through his short stories and should be starting The Sun Also Rises tomorrow. my biggest connection or apparent thought process is whether or not Hemingway meant to correlate the still born baby at the end of A Farewell to Arms to the fake peace agreements after World War I. when i worked on a mid-term for my history class last semester, i came across that theme. it was by a guy named Edmond Taylor in his book, The Fall of the Dynasties, written in 1963. this is what he thought WWI was about and its consequences, "...the story of the decline and fall and rebirth of despotism, of blind leaders and deluded masses of old wrongs perpetuated and of new ones imposed, of revolution leading to war and war leading to revolutions, of peace still-born, of hopes once more aroused and again betrayed, of vast regressions, of one small, halting step forward" (397). i don't know, haven't studied enough to know if Hemingway was making that same connection, but i think it a nice coincidence (even if it exist only in my brain).

Dev. of Am. Novel:

seriously, i have no opinion to give. or rather, i will keep it to myself for now. suffice it to say, i want my money back!!!!

Descriptive Linguistics:

this is proving to be a hard class. is it ox/en or oxen. how many morphemes? is it human/itari/an? discreteness? arbitrariness? mode of communication? morphology? phonology? i must say, it is all GREEKOLOGY to me! i will find out tomorrow (probably) when the professor returns the quiz.

Survery of Literary Theory:

this week we read "The Yellow Wallpaper" and "Ode on a Grecian Urn." i so wished that i had paid a little more attention to the presentation on the yellow wallpaper given by some students when i was in mrs. sample's class. i must admit that i had never read the story in its entirety. apparently the woman is suffering from post-partum depression. but, it is my impression that she had suffered all of her life with mental illness; which is what i wrote because i think the professor wanted to hear our thoughts--no matter how crazy (no pun intended, of course) they were. as far as Keats poem, my pitiful attempt at interpreting the last sentence, "Beauty is truth, truth beauty,"--that is all / Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know" is that the beauty of the grecian urn is the only thing (perhaps not the only thing, but an important thing) that has remained from that ancient civilization. that is my story, and i guess i can stick to it, until someone tells me why i'm wrong.

what i know:

i know that my body is breaking down. i have awful pains in my legs. and i'm trying to get back into jogging with little success.

my one bright and shining spot in the whole week was the one hour i spent with my french tutor. je suis tres heurese. i am very happy. the bible instructs us not to despise the day of small beginnings. friday was such a day of small beginnings for me. my hope and dream is to learn french. c'est mon reve.

a bientot!

senior citizen

my senior year at the university of texas-pan american began this week. oh my goodness! i am terrified. i don't know what i will do, or if i will graduate in may. not only do all the stars have to line-up, but so do all the classes that i need to fulfill my double major requirements. i am taking five (yes, 5) english classes. i don't think i was thinking clearly when i signed up for them. but maybe if i try to explain it to myself, it will make sense to me.

why i'm taking the 5 english classes i signed up for this semester

first of all, i'm taking English Grammar.

i don't think i need to do a lot of explaining--i need help! the class and professor seem very interesting. he has little quirks that i am teaching my brain to ignore--such as a sort of bouncing up on his toes when he speaks.

my second class is Hemingway.

i am taking this class with a professor i had last semester. he is an awesome professor and it was really an easy choice.

my third class is Development of the American Novel. i signed up for this class because i am hoping that by reading the historical novels of american history it will sort of fill out my history major. we will be reading novels such as The Last of the Mohican's, Red Badge of Courage, The Grapes of Wrath, etc.

my fourth class is Descriptive Linguistics. this class is a required course for english majors--so i really didn't have a choice. the class is surprisingly very interesting! i have learned amazing things (like why my daughters are still not speaking spanish), in the first two days of class.

my fifth class is Survey of Literary Theory. again, this is a required course for english majors. i really don't have an opinion of the class because we have been going over the rules and procedures and how to use blackboard. it actually sounds a little bit scary! ideas that are above my IQ.

there it is in a nutshell--no history classes. i told my husband that i feel like i am eating my vegetables this semester (except for the hemingway class), and i will have my dessert next semester when i can take my history classes.

Dub-ya

i received my first W on my transcript during the second summer session. i had never before dropped or withdrawn from a class. ashamedly so, i feel like a loser and a quitter. i feel like i quit on something and up until then i had not been a quitter. struggle as i might have, i had never quit! due to unavoidable issues (that i don't want to go into right now), i could not see myself successfully negotiating the course.

oh well, c'est la vie!

other than that small snag, i have been fine. my next semester starts on monday, and i really don't want to think about it. i am going to be swamped with fifteen hours.

i guess we will see...

what i learned in french class

Chere Amie,

Comment-vas tu? Est-ce que tu vas bien? Je m'appelle Patricia. Je suis etudiante a l'universite "University of Texas-Pan American." J'ai 36 ans et j'ai deux filles. Mes filles sont tres sociables. Mon mari est tres agreable, aussi. Je voudrais parler francais parce que j'aime le francais! Je veux voyager en France un jour. Un jour je veux etre professeur de litterature ou histoire americain en France. J'etudie l'histoire americain, la litterature, et le francais ce semestre. J'aime beaucoup l'historie, aussi.

Voici mon emploi du temps. Le lundi, le mecredi, et le vendredi je vais a l'universite. A neuf heures moins le quart, je vais a mon cours d' historiography. Le professeur c'est Dr. Faubion. Apres mon cours d'historiography, je vais a mon cours du Francais. Mon professeur c'est Madame Fara. Ensuite, je vais a mon cours de l'litterature a onze heures moins le quart. Mon professeur c'est Dr. Laprade. Apres mon cours de l'litterature, je vais manger. J'ai une heure et demie pour manger. Ensuite je vais a mon derniere cours de l'histoire avec mes professeurs Dr. Weaver et Dr. Faubion. Apres tous mes cours, je suis tres fatiguee!

qu'est que vous pensez?


voici une photo de ma famille:

almost dead..umm... i mean done

i am in the final lap of this miserable semester. i took my final in historiography today, and i feel incredibly stupid! can you imagine missing the same question THREE TIMES??? yes, that is exactly what i did. mind you, i studied yesterday. i have this grayish mass in between my two ears that kept telling me the wrong answer. for some inexplicable reason, i kept using this word association thing that didn't give me the right answer. Braudel was a proponent of macrohistory. but, much to my desperate chagrin, i kept wanting to say that braudel=broad which meant microhistory. seriously, i think that if i took the test again tomorrow, i WOULD STILL GET IT WRONG!!!

on another note, i dropped a maymester course that i had foolishly signed up for. what was i thinking that i could get my girls to school by 7:20 a.m. every day for three weeks. it was a fail proof way to disaster. plus, once i remembered all of the end of the school year assemblies and celebrations, i figured i would have to miss most of them. i really didn't want to miss these special days that will never return.

so, then, i have to ask myself, "who cares if i'm 50 years old and decrepit by the time i get a bachelor's degree?"

until a research paper do us part...

my quasi love affair with writing is on the rocks. i am trying to finish up my research paper, and i have writer's block. it is actually painful to write. what's ironic about this whole thing is that i can write forever. i like to write. and to add to the stupidity of all of this, I'VE DONE MY RESEARCH!! yes, that's right, i've gone through at least 15-20 sources, some primary and some secondary. i have the material that i need, but i can't write.

i'll tell you what is at the root of the matter. i was told that i needed to type 20-30 pages. anytime i am given a NUMBER OF PAGES, i freeze! i can't think of anything, but the NUMBER!! the last time i had a paper due for this history class, 8 was the magic number and i completely froze on that, too!

to add to how crazy and pathetic this is, i remember writing excessively in my other history classes i took at del mar. they were darn near dissertations or at the very least a thesis. the professor would ask for 14 lines in a response or writing assignments and i would write paragraphs upon paragraphs until i had several pages.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????

does anyone out there have the same thing happen?

by the way, the paper is due tomorrow. i, my dear reader, will turn it in late on thursday. i just can't do it. i have 12 pages (i know because every time i write a sentence i scroll down to the end of my document to see how much more i have to go!!)

signs of life

i went out to run today...and it felt great! i need to get my rear in gear if i'm going to run in beach to bay. i believe it is in 7 weeks. i'm going to give my activity logs another shot.

so here we go...


Monday: jogged for 20 minutes (at a half decent pace) and walked for 10 minutes (mas o menos)

i will see you back here tomorrow.

on the french front:

bonjour, mon ami. comment-vas tu? est-ce que tu vas bien? je suis tres fatiguee parce que je suis alle a l'universite au jourd'hui. je vais dormir. a bientot!

my life...

my life is a beautiful idea that i all too often neglect.



why? i, like my namesake in the bible, am regularly caught up with the blasted details of life's trifles. the unforgiving daily chores that become fastidious taskmasters. CLEAN THE KITCHEN! WASH THOSE DISHES! WASH THE NEVER ENDING MOUNTAIN OF LAUNDRY!



all the while, life (as beautiful as it is) is passing me by...

a streetcar named Degenerate

i don't think i have ever had such a strong reaction against a piece of literature as i feel for this play. i simply don't see any artistic value in it--i think it is as degenerate as they come. i particularly didn't like the last scene.

my question, then, is why and how is it that this play can be called a classic? it is entirely possible that i am too closed minded and a simpleton. i fail, however, to see any redeeming qualities of a play in which a mentally ill woman is raped by her bestial brother-in-law and then sent to an asylum by her callous and calculating sister!

signed? sealed? and not delivered?

in vain have i waited...i have waited in vain. (how's that for redundancy?)

seriously, i have waited in vain to read about how wonderful and great i am as a scholar. i have patiently awaited the good news, but to no avail. you see, i asked two professors for letters of recommendation, so that i may apply for a scholarship. i have not received either one of them. i'm in denial, of course, and i'm blaming the awful postal service. those dirty, rotten scoundrels have misplaced my letters! i'm sure of it.

on a more serious note, i'm still grounded as far as my research paper goes. i do have one sentence that i would love to include, but i'm not sure it's very scholarly. it goes something along these lines, President Truman's remark on April 23, 1945 echoed the pragmatic and not so diplomatic sentiments of some Americans, "...if the Russians did not wish to join us they could go to hell." the story is very interesting, especially since we have the advantage of seeing how all of the events of the cold war played out. i'm sure they were very trying times, however. the fact that diplomacy did not prevail, and that the u.s. and russia endured such harsh international relations for decades is sobering.

saturday night research fever

it's a saturday night, and i'm working on a research paper. does that sound wrong or what?



the first five pages of my research paper are due the wednesday i get back from spring break. i really want to do well on this paper, so i'm trying to gather the information i need. the paper is on the marshall plan and the coming cold war. i like the topic (i should, i chose it!), but i really don't have the energy to work on it. i have been gathering info here and there. i've read "the tragedy of american diplomacy" and find williams arguments very interesting.

this is me leading the glamorous life of a student! i'll tell you what, it "ain't" easy being a renaissance girl.

so here is to all the moms trying to get a college degree with kids, husband, house, and everything else in tow!!!

mid-term mania

well...you know you are up to your eyeballs in mid-terms when...

i was in the library studying for an exam. when i went to buy a blue book and a drink, i told the attendant, "i'm taking the drink and the mid-term." (all the while pointing at the blue book) i think she understands mid-term speak because she just grabbed the blue book and handed it to me.

party time

(as in pity party!!)

it's my blog, and i'll wah-wah if i want to...wah-wah if i want to...you would wah-wah too if it happened to you... (i would use cry, but i'm too much of a chicken and worry about copyright rules :)

i'm at my wits end!!! no puedo mas!!!

i'm under a pressure cooker, and this goose is cooked!!

if i was to be perfectly honest with you my dear, dear reader, i would tell you that my spirit is troubled and heavy. a thousand times i have asked myself what i'm doing and where in the ... did i (at my 30 something, dangerously close to 40years of age) get the idea that i could be SOMEBODY! the problem is that i can't quit. i can't quit. i can't quit. why? i'm glad you asked. i can't quit because i'm the star of my own story, "THE LITTLE IDIOT THAT COULD."

yes, that's right folks! step right up, step right up, and see this little dumb*#@ attempt what is downright and outright outlandish. will she or won't she? will she break under the pressure and give up on herself? or won't she seem all the more pathetic for trying? what will it be? right now it's any body's guess.

i can't be all things at all times. i can't be a college student/
mother/wife/pta/housekeeper/bookkeeper/individual.

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:

**************

A time to break down,
A time to build up;

A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;


apparently, this is my time to break down. we will see what time tomorrow brings.

bonsoir mon cheri lectuer. je fait mes devoirs.

telling time

i currently have about 31 hours to go for my bachelor's degree. so let me break it down: let's say that i take 6 hours in the summer, o.k. that leaves 25, right? then i take 12 in the fall, that would leave 13 right? but how do you take 13 hours? i guess i would have to take 15, and that is TOO many hours for this mama. 12 hours this semester is killing me! if i could take a maymester course, that would be awesome! but, what kind of history course or english course can you take in two weeks? and, by the way, six hours in the summer sounds like murder to me. i have to figure out childcare and work load for the classes, and a host of other things.

sometimes i wish i could stand on a bench at u.t.p.a and preach to young girls. "look at me, i'm struggling to raise a family, keep a house afloat, check my kids homework and do my homework! don't be a fool (like me!) and stay in school!" but, other than the little thing of making a real fool out of myself, would the young girls listen? probably not. i guess we each have to make our own mistakes, and then we have to live with them. to each his or her own mistake.

no olive branch, yet

a few posts ago, i wrote about "what i want to say." well...i haven't had much success in one of the categories. i wrote to someone who i have sort of drifted away from, but the dove has not returned with any signs. perhaps it died in flight, i don't know. have you ever had that happen to you? {honestly, we know that is a rhetorical question because there are no comments on this blog.} you send out a communication offering and not see it returned? you wonder if you did something, or perhaps (worse, yet) you know that there was something, but can't really define what "it" was that caused the silience.


there is a situation, though, in my life in which, i'm the one that has not returned the phone calls, and probably never will. i'm too hurt, and i can't seem to forgive. until i stop feeling hurt, offended, and rejected, I don't think I can forgive.

enough with the sad, sob story for now, though. i have to read for historiography. we will probably have a quiz, and i don't want to have an anxiety attack when the time comes.

au revoir, mon cheri lecteur. je fait mes devoirs.

gotta run

i'm in the throes of silent rebellion. i don't want to exercise! i haven't ran since november. why? i guess because i just don't want to. my knees have been bothering me slightly and that is enough for me to "punk out." my problem, however, is that if i'm going to run in my 6th beach-to-bay in may, i need to start running. running in corpus christi in may is a lovely daydream i like to entertain, so i'll probably start running this week. i'll keep you all posted. a distant memory of bygone posts about activity logs rings a fading bell.

school is going fine, though. i like my classes for the most part. i need to get busy with my research paper on the marshall plan and the coming cold war. all i need is PLAN! that, and to be told what to do. i work better when i'm told what to do. some people are born to lead, and others are born to follow. i think i fall in the latter (as pathetic as that sounds). ;)

school daze

do you remember the little school bus cut-out that the children wear the first days of school. the one with yarn? the one that has their name, the name of their teacher, and classroom number, etc., in case they get lost? i sure could of used one yesterday! i worked up the cran to ask the French professor if i could be an auditor in her class, and she said yes. Great! right? well i was so excited about my second day of french, i completely forgot about my american literature class right after! i strolled down to a computer lab after the free french class, printed some lecture notes for my afternoon class, went to the student union to buy some coffee...and then i woke up and smelled it!! it suddenly dawned on me that i was supposed to be in my literature class, not parading down campus! i rushed out like a sort of goblin running with my cup of coffee and spilling it all over my hand (had it been scalding, i would have had second degree burns to be sure!). i walked into class with my racing heart in my hand, hoping that i would not be counted absent. ay, ay, ay!!!

how to make so-so banana bread

due to our collective "hard times" as a country, i have decided to become more...let me see, what is the word? FRUGAL??? so, i did not want to throw out some very ripe bananas that were on the counter and decided to make banana bread, instead. however, although my name is Martha, my last name is definitely not Stewart. :)

first i had to get a recipe for banana bread from the food network website. then i had to make several trips to the grocery store. so much for ending global warming with me up and down the road. on the upside, however, maybe it (wasting gas) is good for the economy? i don't have the staples of a baker in my house: parchment paper, baking soda (the kind i could use and not the kind i could get from my refrigerator), and i forgot what else. so, after wrangling all the ingredients, i proceed to make the five star banana bread. Then I made a fatal mistake:

"Do you want some banana bread?" I ask my husband.

"How does it taste?" he answers with a question.

My six year old pipes up, "It taste so-so."

i looked sharply at her and thought of firing off, "First of all, I don't think a six year old has a true appreciation for GREAT banana bread. Furthermore, I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU DO BETTER!!"

but, i didn't want to enter into a battle of wits. but, my banana bread has officially been renamed the "so-so banana bread." the five star recipe i printed somehow didn't get the five star treatment at my house.

what i want to say

this is year, i have decided that i will not leave things unsaid. so, with that in mind:

i have so many people that i need to write to or call. old friends, that i'm not even sure if they are still friends. why? well, things change, i've moved around a couple of times. and then there are the misunderstandings, etc., etc. i will start tomorrow by writing to at least one person on that list.

i want to say "thank you" to the people that have helped me. sometimes, i get in such a hurry, that i forget to acknowledge their help. for example, the other day i had a doctor's appointment and my neighbor picked up my kids from school and kept them until my husband picked them up. i don't recall saying thank you (and that eats at me because i'm really grateful, but as it stands now, i'm just rude).

i want to write my dreams/goals/aspirations down in black and white; as crazy and far-fetched as they might be. let me give this a stab: my heart yearns for california. why? i have no one to visit there, but for some crazy and oddball reason i want to go to california. my heart pulls me that way. my dad used to work there in the canneries when i was young. perhaps because california was a part of my formative years, i feel a connection to it. another reoccurring day dream is the one that i live on a beautiful mexican hacienda and my life is beyond laid back. i have no worries about money, my daughters are grown and are successful, and my biggest decision is what delicious meal i will have for lunch (around 3:00 p.m.). hmm, let's see will it be enchiladas, chiles rellenos, or mole? i can see the hacienda in my mind. it has a wrap around arched portal all around it. the courtyard is carpeted with lush grass and i have most of my afternoon meals there. sheltered under a huge tree is an ornate wrought iron table covered with fine linens and exquisite place settings. the only thing i haven't figured out is if i live on the hacienda before or after i teach american or british history and literature in one of the universities in Queretaro. my husband says that with the situation in mexico getting worse every day, he will NEVER live in mexico. but, a girl can dream, can't she? of course, the usual far-away-lands are part of my day dreams, such as Paris, London, etc. ;) after reading four books on napoleon this past semester, i would love to travel in Europe. reading the guns of august now is only flaming that desire.

above everything, i want to say i'm sorry. i'm sorry for anything i might have said, intentionally or not, to anyone and hurt his/her feelings. i don't want to live with remorse. when i've talked to my mom about things i would have liked to either work out differently or things in the past i want to change, she only says, "seria muy bonito si la vida fuera perfecta, pero no es patricia. nos equivocamos porque no somos perfectos." so there you have it folks, i've hurt others because i'm not perfect. i've made wrong decisions for the same reason. all i can do now is try to redeem my time through Jesus Christ.