I lie to me...(Return of the Martha)

Does anyone remember the 90s song, "Return of the Mack" by Mark Morrison? 

I guess I must lie to myself and tell myself that I can lose weight whenever I want.  I know lie to myself and think that I can lose weight whenever I want.  It is like someone who is trying to quit drinking or smoking. He can quit drinking whenever he wants.  She can quit smoking whenever she wants.  And, the truth is none of us can do it whenever we want.  Can we do it?  I'm sure we all can quit.  Do we want to quit?  That is the real question.  And, also, we cannot quit alone.  We need help.  Whether it be counseling, prescriptions to curb the cravings or in my case, a nutritionist.  

Here is the kicker.  I have been to a nutritionist.  I bought the lifetime membership to Jenny Craig.  I have paid good money to Medi Weight loss and still... and STILL...nothing.  I have done it alone.  I lost about 10 pounds in December.  And, yes, I felt great.  And, like any other addict, I thought I had turned the corner.  But, I had not.  I went right back to my bad habits/addiction:  sugar and carbs and cokes. 

What can I do differently to change?  Hmm?  I can tell myself that I am going to be on an exercise schedule.  I'm going to walk, try to run, go to the gym, get on the bike.  I need to educate myself.  Educate, educate, educate!  

Read labels, walk, run, bike, and everything else.  

 Hello long lost nobody out there! 

How have you been?  I am going to get back to publishing my thoughts for you.  What I think in less than 15 minutes every once in a while, during the week.  

Let me first begin by stating that I no longer work as a public-school teacher.  It was real and it was (sometimes) fun, but it wasn't real fun.  I still teach, but it's a different experience.  

Today, I want to write about how I am striving to bring balance to my life.  I am cleaning, cooking, working full time and also exhausted full time.  My heart's desire is to have a beautiful, organized and elegant home. My question that I would like to try to answer in the next twelve minutes is for whom?  For whom would I like to have a beautiful, organized and elegant home? 

Besides my girls who are all grown up and out of the nest, pretty much no one comes to visit me.  I have a very dear brother who will visit me about twice a year and that's it on my side of the family.  I have a tia politica on my husband's side, who will also visit on occasion.  Both of those visits are happy times for me.  

What I would like to do this year, and it is on my list of resolutions is to host 5 gatherings this year.  My family usually hosts Thanksgiving every year, so that is one down.  Therefore, I'm left with hosting four gatherings that I have no clue what they could be or for whom.  

My pie in the sky dream is to host a tea party or afternoon party for some of my close girlfriends, but I have some insecurity issues about my imperfect dining room.  I have a huge China hutch that is too big for the room and a huge dining table to go with it.  If I have three people, then that means that one person will be crammed.  

I have read enough books and watched enough videos to know that the size of the room is not supposed to matter, but the gathering itself and the people with whom you gather.  However, I just can't get over it.  So perhaps, what I need is a counselor.  The only free counselor I know is Jesus Christ.  I will take it to Him and ask about these gatherings.  

I feel wholly insecure when I visit other people's homes and see a model home quality type of home that does function as a place for gatherings and is super welcoming. I not only feel very insecure, but a tinge of jealousy and inferiority.  Why can't I have that? Why can't I be like that person? 

My home welcomes very few people.  Of course, writing that makes me realize that my home is an inanimate object and that the person that needs to welcome people into my home is me, but that is what I'm working on.  

I have read about situations where the house is so unclean or disorganized and the chaos syndrome, but my home is not that.  It is pretty clean for the most part, but it's mostly the furniture and bits of disorganization.  What to do?  I can't bring myself to sell the furniture because I feel I will not get the right amount of money for it. 

Do I expect to recover all of the money?

 No, of course not.  

Do I want to give it away for pennies on the dollar?

No.  

I know Sarah from She Holds Dearly stated that sometimes furniture or other things can become bullies in our homes.  They remind us of our poor decisions--financially or decorating--and that we should let go of them because they are bullies.  I guess I'm not quite ready to deal with my bullies...as sad as that is to write.  

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

Today is Father's Day.  My father passed away in September 2011, but he lives on in my heart and in my memory.  He was a good father--not perfect--because no one is perfect, but still a very good father to my siblings and me.  My dad was a hard worker.  I do not remember him ever having leisure time a la Thorstein Veblen.  He worked very hard to provide for a family with five children.  All five of them loved by him.  I was and am blessed to know and to feel that my father loved me.  My dad was gregarious.  He loved (absolutely loved!) to laugh.  He always had a warm smile for every one.

Sometimes when I take a picture of myself, I see my father's face.  I have his eyebrows and a lot of his facial features and expressions.  When I see that, I think of him and miss him dearly.  I wish with all of my heart that he had not died at what I think was the very young age of 71.  My brother told me once that he always thought my dad would live to be a very old man and that we would have him for a very long time.  His sentiment expresses how we both feel.  We are the ones that lost out on him.  We do not have him in our lives.

I always strive to do things that I know would make him proud of me.  He wanted me to speak perfect Spanish.  I still try to improve it.  He would want me to be a dedicated, responsible and hard working mother, wife, professional, person, etc.  I try hard every day.  I know that he would have also wanted me to enjoy life and laugh as much as possible. I try to do that, too.

I miss my dad's laughter.  I miss his stories and funny anecdotes.  I miss his frankness. And, yet, I know that he lives on in my memory and my life.  I am a lot like him.  My dad could be clear-eyed and tell me the truth without mincing words.  I have (much to the chagrin of my husband and my girls and others close to me) become like him in that regard.  I've been told that I can be funny, but serious when the time calls for it--just like him. When someone says to me, "You remind me of your father in that he also ..," I take that as a compliment.  I know that to a large extent, I am my father's daughter.  In John 14:9, Jesus answered Philip and said, "If you have seen me, you have seen my father."  I feel that way about my earthly father, if you have seen me, you have seen my father.  As a Christian, I want the same thing to be said about my Heavenly Father.  I want to show Christ to others and have them see Him through me.

Hello old friend,

I am back.  Albeit, a little more bruised than before by life.  I am doing all I can to stay afloat with my new endeavor I call teaching. Every Sunday night I start feeling this panic come over me as I sit down to work on a lesson plan.  I am just treading water at this point. This is my first year teaching APUSH/Dual Enrollment 1301 and it's kicking my butt something awful.

I write to you because everyone else is tired of hearing me out.  Why can't you lesson plan during the week?  Why can't you get your act together? I work all week and then on the weekends I try to catch up on the housework that needs to get done, and my how much housework it is! It is hard work.

Maybe one day I will get my act together.  Today is not that day.

Good night!

What a year!!

Hello old friend,

What a year it has been, huh?  My heart is heavy because of all the tragedies that have happened this year.  If we work our way back, it has been the fires in California, the Texas Church, the NYC event, the Las Vegas, the Hurricane, etc., etc.

It has been a tough year for me, too.  I made the switch from 6 grade to 10th--AP World History.  Goodness me!  What was I thinking.  I do not struggle with behavior as much as I did in 6th grade, but I do struggle with students that really don't care enough to try hard.  I am desperately seeking a way to motivate them, to make them work, and above all, to make them learn in spite and despite of themselves.  Guess what?  It "ain't" working!!!

I panic because everyday I think that they need to be learning because at the end of the day, next August, I will be measured against every other AP World History teacher in the district.  I do not want to fall flat on my face, but I also do not want to work like a darn mule every blasted day!!  I know that as of right now I am working harder than them.  I am the one learning all of the content and they are the one copying off of me.  How stupid is that?!

Today was a rough day because of a minor discipline issue.  It was resolved, but it was unpleasant.

Don't get me wrong, there are some fun times, and there are some fine times. But, friend, they are few and far between.

Goodnight!  I'm off to Target to get my Secret Santa gift for tomorrow.

Week Deux

Well, here I am.  I have yet to lose any weight, but I have tried to be more careful with money.
I am trying to get my life in order.  I think I am going to have more success this time.  What am I doing differently?  Well, for starters, I am being brutally honest with myself and others.  I feel like at my age, I am really coming into my own.  I need to wake up and smell the coffee.  What do I want out of life?  More importantly, what does God want me to do?  I have been searching in the wrong places.

Day One

So today I ate less and I didn't spend any money.

I walked for an hour, even though I was dead tired when I came home.  Did I mention that I'm a 6th grade school teacher?  I think that explains the dead tired part and added weight gain.

My goal is to lose 10 pounds by December 16th.  We shall see what great things may come!!

Good night.

On dieting and budgeting

It just so happens that I hate both, but I have to do both.  Why, you might ask?  Well, if I don't diet and budget my life is going to continue to (ahem,) suck!!!

I was realizing today as I was walking into Target to return some impulse purchases, that I stopped having money when I started having credit cards.  My financial life is one of deep debts and dark secrets, but I believe that I can turn it around--again.  You see, this is not my first debt rodeo.  This is actually my third time being in debt and my third time that I am trying to work my way out of it.

The question, then, should be, why do I keep going into debt?  The last time I worked my way out of  of debt, I swore (a la Scarlett O'Hara) that I would never be in debt again.  Yet, here I am again.

So, I decided that I'm going to write/blog about my own getting out of debt story.  I have read/heard a lot of financial advisors such as, Dave Ramsey, Howard Dayton, Mary Hunt, and others and I know that their plans are solid.  Yet, I always regret not putting into practice the awesome advice of Larry Burkett in the early 2000s. I would listen to his radio program religiously, but unfortunately, I did not follow his advice religiously.

There are a lot of reasons why I did not follow his advice; mainly it was because I was a stay-at-home mom and did not feel like I really had any control of the money.  Even though, I must admit that I ran the finances.  I am going to chronicle my successes and failures starting today.

I find myself in more debt that ever.  But, I know that I can get out of this mess once again.

As far as my weight...what can I say?  I have been here before too.  My weight goes up and then it goes down, but I have noticed an upward trend that is now causing me alarm.  I have tried Jenny Craig and have had success, but I have no wish to spend the money for Jenny Craig.  My slim down starts tomorrow.

comic relief

i am almost done with the five week certification program. only 2 days left! i don't have a teaching job, and i'm not sure that i mind that. i really want to continue to pursue my master's degree this fall. i have actually registered for the classes, and i really hope i can continue on that path.

anyway, what was so funny to me tonight (perhaps funnier that it actually was)caused me to pause and take a moment to laugh. we have been herded into classrooms for the last five weeks to learn how to be awesome teachers. i have learned about different group activities, teaching strategies, etc. perhaps the most important thing i learned is that while all students can learn, not all students learn in the same manner. therefore, while some students can excel at taking paper and pencil exams, some students are doomed when it comes to those kinds of test and will do better with other types of exams, such as, presentations, etc.

back to my story, the instructor handed out a package of sticky notes and asked us to take one and pass it back. well, one young (obviously inexperienced) student took the last one and passed the bottom blank paper to the girl in front of him. (i personally thought it was odd that he was passing it forward since it would be of no use to her.) when she saw the brown useless peace of paper, she said in her native tongue, "mira este cabr*n! el cree que es muy chistoso!" she then proceeds to scold him in front of the class, "you don't know where the trashcan is at or what???" well, needless to say, the little guy turned all kinds of red, but he was tough enough to just smile it off.

i guess it was so funny to me because the girl's frankness is something i'm unaccustomed to. i rarely call people on the carpet. or call them cabr*n for that matter.

ha!

the worse of two evils

i have started a 90 day fitness program, and i have also started a 5 week certification program. i am dreading both, however, i actually look forward to the exercise program more than i do the certification program. i feel like my dream of becoming a college professor will be put on pause because of this horrible economy. for now, i am on my second week of the exercise program, and on the first week of the cert. program. agony, agony, agony...

how goes your summer? better than mine, i'm sure!!

the suspense

the suspense is killing me!!! i turned in two papers last week, and i haven't heard from my professors. uggh!! i am trying hard to concentrate on my last paper, but i inevitably log on to the website, click on my lit theory class, and...NOTHING!!!!

someone please put me out of this misery and tell me what i got already!

Morales and Me: The Tale of Two Fights

one of my most vivid and heartbreaking memories as a boxing fan is that of Erik Morlaes sitting on the canvas during his fight with Manny Paquia. after boxing admirably for several rounds, Morales took a blow that landed him on the canvas. he then did something that i thought was both completely out-of-character and unforgivable--he shook his head, as if to signal, "this is the end...i cannnot win this fight." to me, that was unthinkable. a great fighter like him? giving up? calling the fight?

my foray into grad school has felt like watching that fight between Morales and Paquia. i'm morales. i can't keep swinging trying to win this match. i'm shaking my head. i'm on the canvas. i can't. stop the struggle. it's over.

Morales' defeat that night does not erase his excellent trajectory in the world of boxing. he will always be a great fighter. his defeat only proves that not all fights are won--and sometimes the fighter has to call his own fight.

frenetic and fragmented

my life is not yet in ruins, but it sure seems like i might get there this semester.

i have been killing myself trying to do everything. every monday night i have a book review due for one of my grad classes. every monday night i am finishing the book review ten minutes before its due. that is not how i typically do it. when i was an undergrad, i did not turn anything in before proofreading and editing it. my good writing habits have gone by the wayside, and now all i can hope for is to turn in a "paper." however useless and rotten the writing is. i hate to put my professor through the agony of reading it. i don't want to read it, and i sure don't want anyone else to read it either.

oh, well. as much as i try to finish reading the books before the weekend, i just can't do it! this weekend there was u.i.l. competition, a birthday party and chuck-e-cheese, and (as if that weren't enough excitement!) we had to go buy a new washer. so, not only did i fall behind on the reading, i fell behind on the washing, too!

this afternoon, i took my little one to the doctor. of course, she is important and getting her back examined is a priority, since she took an awful fall from the swing set. however, my reading suffers. i think it's time i have the "we need to talk" talk with myself. grad classes are all at night. evening excursions are not working out for my girls and me. tonight my #1 girl almost burned something down--it's called our house! (yes, i'm exaggerating a little bit!) i'm getting this sinking feeling that this isn't going to work.

i have a presentation tomorrow on the heart of darkness. very appropriate.

it is my blog, and i will write about my breakdown if i want to!!

so here we go with the drama, again!! **sigh**

shall we begin?

(by the way--shall is a modal, which means that the action has not happened and may never happen; just like should)

anyway, today is tuesday, which means i have two evening classes. i don't "work" in the morning, and i am here at home most of the day. dans le monde ideal i would have done some light reading and cleaning aujourd'hui. instead, i spent the morning trying to clean the remnants of monday night's happenings because i came in exhausted from my monday night class and didn't clean then. but, maybe i should tell you that i spent the entire weekend reading a book because i had a review due on monday night. it was 190 pages of agricultural industrialization, which was quite interesting, but still exhausting!! i was still writing my paper at 6:50 p.m. (class starts at 7:10 p.m.), when my husband came home to take over the care of the girls.

o.k. so i try to read Heiddeger, Nietzsche, and Derrida! wholly cow, batman!! in my defense, i had read some stuff on thursday, and i thought i wasn't too behind. plus, i thought that 5 hours was enough to get through it. WRONG!!! i read, and re-read, and re-re-read, and nothing was sticking!! NOT A THING!! finally, it hit me: in order to understand this mind-bending stuff, i need some some mind-altering drugs! yes, that is what's been missing. of course, i didn't/can't run out and get them. so, i'm just going to resign myself to the lot of being a stupid student of literary theory.

anyway, the breakdown happened when i was looking at the clock and noticed that i had spent an exorbitant amount of time and was still not getting IT. so, i started making dinner for the girls because i'm not home when they get home from school on tuesdays. try as i may to channel my inner June Cleaver, i just fail. i thought i had everything i needed for dinner (i've actually made a monthly menu and look at it when i go shopping on the weekend) but i didn't have what i needed. so, now i'm not only not understanding the reading, but i have to take time to run to the store to get one item that i need.

i have my momentary breakdown on my way to heb. "why can't you plan right?" "why can't you get your reading finsished on time?" "why did you think you could go to grad school?" i realize that some single, working moms have it tougher, but i'm not living their lives. i'm trying to live mine--without having these moments of negativity. my girls are sacrificing so that i can go to school. my little one wants to know when i'll be "done, done with school, like when will you stop going to school, mommy?"

i realize that nothing worth having comes easy. and, that when i do have my master's degree it will be MY triumph. but it will also be my sacrifice and that of my family's.

all i can think of in these times is that my girls will have one huge incentive to get through school while they are young and single, and that incentive will be my life. they will remember these days. i know that without a doubt. i'm the perfect example of what not to do. they will think: don't put your family through that. don't put your kids through that. and more importantly, what i hope they think is, don't put yourself through that.

alors, i have decided that the only way this mother is going to get through this semester is by abusing another mother. i will be using paper plates, plastic cups, plastic utensils, it will be a plastic/paper-palooza until i graduate. too bad i can't cook using disposable pots.

bonsoir, good people!!

my day in a flash

i feel like i should be documenting my struggles for the sake of my sanity. so, here is what my day was like:

in the morning, my #2 girl was having a hard time getting on the same sheet of music as the rest of us. i tried to be patient with her--for my sanity sake, you know. and then, out it came, "mommy," in a sort of desperate cry, "when will you be done with all of your classes? like when will you stop going to school?" of course, i had a quick flash of guilt strike me. something along the lines of, "you are such an awful mom leaving your kids motherless two nights of the week!" never mind that they are with their dad, and not completely abandoned, but oh, well...

since my husband had to tend to his work responsibilites today, he could not pick them up from school, and thus, enter mother-in-law into the picture.

i cleaned for most of the day to prepare for her since she was coming to stay with the girls after school. let me see...refigerator--check, laundry room--check, dishes--check, floors, dinning room table, kids bathroom, hall bathroom--check, check, check, and check.

as a result of my impending visit from my mother-in-law (mil), i didn't read what i needed to read for literary theory, or rather all of the reading assignments. i didn't put together my bibliography that was due tonight for my american history class.

at around 3:15, i threw some fish fillets/tenders/i don't-know-what in the oven and put some mac and cheese on the stove. i run out shortly after my mil gets here. then i think, "hmm, i haven't spoken to my mother all day." so, i call her. she is having some sort of issue with her house phone, and of course, she would be very happy if i could call the phone company. so, i do. while i'm on the road to pan-am.
luckily, my car has the hands-free thing. unluckily for me, the phone company on the other line does not recognize my helpless dialing of 1 on the keypad.

i get to class and here about Sassure, Claude Levi Strauss and try not to collapse from my all-day-cleaning-marathon.

afterward, i run down to the lab and try to piece together a bibliography.

when i get home, i sit down to eat a flour tortilla with leftover chicken from yesterday and throw in a some Mexican cheese for good measure. My husband, who has been filling out a return label (so i can run to the post office tomorrow)looks down at me and says, "you look tired."

just as i was going to open my mouth to say, "I'M BEAT!!!"

how was your day?

p.s. please excuse the misspellings and the incoherent writing.

Survival Guide

i have started grad school. and, yes, my friends, it is very hard. i am also a Teaching Assistant this semester. the funny thing is that in order to be a teaching assistant (TA), one must also take 3 graduate classes. of course, this would not be a problem, if i wasn't a full-time mom and half-hearted housekeeper. my life is in chaos right about now.

but, not to worry! i think i have devised a plan that will help me get through this semester. My weekly schedule should look like this:

Monday Morning: Attend History 1301 lecture in the morning.
Monday Evening: Graduate class in the evening, AND READ!

Tuesday Morning: Clean a little, study a lot, AND READ!!
Tuesday Afternoon: Attend both graduate classes at night.

Wednesday Morning: Attend history lecture.
Wednesday Afternoon: I MUST READ!!!

Thursday: My thursdays will now become "Toilet Thursdays!" Huzzah!!! I will try to dedicate this day to cleaning my house, i.e. sweeping, mopping, changing the sheets, All day cleaning-palooza!! Yay for me!! AND, OF COURSE, I MUST READ!!!!

Friday morning: Attend history lecture.
Friday afternoon: Treat myself to something nice before the weekend onslaught that is having my girls and my husband at home, AND I MUST READ!!!!!


Saturday: Is the day of Laundry!!! Also, my girls have to dust their rooms. And, if I feel particularly cruel, I'll make them clean out their drawers, AND I MUST READ!!!!!!

Sunday: Beside going to church, it will be the day of preparing clothes
for the week, AND I MUST READ!!!!!!!

do you see a common denominator in all seven days? the exclamation points will give you a hint. here is another one, GRADUATE SCHOOL = READING!

yes, yes, there is a gob load (<--is that a word?) of reading. each week in my monday class, i will have a book review due. EACH WEEK! in my english literary theory class, i'm having to read things that are WAY, WAY, ABOVE MY IQ!!! i didn't/haven't read Derrida, Heidegger, or Freud, Lacan, Foucault, or anything that resembles that. really, i need a crash course in all of these writers. But, i will try to make the most of it. we read Terry Eagleton's introduction to literary theory book this past week. other than the minor detail of not knowing who the aforementioned people were, i found his writing to be charmingly caustic and absolutely lovely. i found myself laughing outloud at my kitchen table.

Here is one of the passages that cracked me up:

(in writing about freud and neurosis)

"One question which immediately arises, however, is why it is human beings who should be the neurotic animal, rather than snails or tortoises. It is possible that this is merely a Romantic idealization of such creatures and that they are secretly a good deal more neurotic than we think; but they seem well-adjusted enough to an outsider, even though there may be one or two cases of hysterical paralysis on record" (132). Terry Eagleton's, "Literary Theory: An Introduction."

i thought that was funny.

anyway, being that today is thursday, which has now been declared as "Toilet Thursday," i must tend to my courtly duties at the three different thrones.

made to run

i have been made to run.

when i write "made," i don't mean as in designed to run. i mean "made" as in forced to run against my will. i don't want to run--at all!! today my husband and i are suppose to get out there and run 10 miles. 10 miles!! my entire body revolts at just the thought of having to run. my brain says, "heck, no!" my knees say, "please don't!" and my heart can barely be heard. even my nose says, "you know that you can't breathe through your nose when you are sitting down just resting..." and it's true. i have a ....i forget what the allergist said. a slant inside my nose?? my nose slants to one side on the inside?? i don't know, but i can't breathe right. that's what i know. running and trying to breathe with a slanted nose is nearly impossible.

we will see...

not Finished!!!

so here it is...

last week, i went out and wrote "finish" on the spot where our nine mile trek would end. like i have mentioned in the earlier post, i finished the required miles. ironically, the more i see the picture, the more i wonder if it was a sort of harbinger of my training ending. once again, we will have to wait until tomorrow.

goodnight, good people...

falling off the wagon

there i went---i fell of the wagon this week. last sunday, my husband and i ran 9 miles. and my knees have been hating me ever since!! so, i only ran on tuesday for thirty minutes. the pavement went silent from my knees not pounding it this week. the saddest part is that my husband only ran on tuesday, too. but, tonight he went and ran 9 miles! talk about feeling left out and left behind!! i decided on wednesday that i would not run again until monday, which by the way is tomorrow. i need to stop being a crybaby and get out there and kick some concrete! we will see if i put my knees where my mouth is tomorrow, won't we?