I lie to me...(Return of the Martha)

Does anyone remember the 90s song, "Return of the Mack" by Mark Morrison? 

I guess I must lie to myself and tell myself that I can lose weight whenever I want.  I know lie to myself and think that I can lose weight whenever I want.  It is like someone who is trying to quit drinking or smoking. He can quit drinking whenever he wants.  She can quit smoking whenever she wants.  And, the truth is none of us can do it whenever we want.  Can we do it?  I'm sure we all can quit.  Do we want to quit?  That is the real question.  And, also, we cannot quit alone.  We need help.  Whether it be counseling, prescriptions to curb the cravings or in my case, a nutritionist.  

Here is the kicker.  I have been to a nutritionist.  I bought the lifetime membership to Jenny Craig.  I have paid good money to Medi Weight loss and still... and STILL...nothing.  I have done it alone.  I lost about 10 pounds in December.  And, yes, I felt great.  And, like any other addict, I thought I had turned the corner.  But, I had not.  I went right back to my bad habits/addiction:  sugar and carbs and cokes. 

What can I do differently to change?  Hmm?  I can tell myself that I am going to be on an exercise schedule.  I'm going to walk, try to run, go to the gym, get on the bike.  I need to educate myself.  Educate, educate, educate!  

Read labels, walk, run, bike, and everything else.  

 Hello long lost nobody out there! 

How have you been?  I am going to get back to publishing my thoughts for you.  What I think in less than 15 minutes every once in a while, during the week.  

Let me first begin by stating that I no longer work as a public-school teacher.  It was real and it was (sometimes) fun, but it wasn't real fun.  I still teach, but it's a different experience.  

Today, I want to write about how I am striving to bring balance to my life.  I am cleaning, cooking, working full time and also exhausted full time.  My heart's desire is to have a beautiful, organized and elegant home. My question that I would like to try to answer in the next twelve minutes is for whom?  For whom would I like to have a beautiful, organized and elegant home? 

Besides my girls who are all grown up and out of the nest, pretty much no one comes to visit me.  I have a very dear brother who will visit me about twice a year and that's it on my side of the family.  I have a tia politica on my husband's side, who will also visit on occasion.  Both of those visits are happy times for me.  

What I would like to do this year, and it is on my list of resolutions is to host 5 gatherings this year.  My family usually hosts Thanksgiving every year, so that is one down.  Therefore, I'm left with hosting four gatherings that I have no clue what they could be or for whom.  

My pie in the sky dream is to host a tea party or afternoon party for some of my close girlfriends, but I have some insecurity issues about my imperfect dining room.  I have a huge China hutch that is too big for the room and a huge dining table to go with it.  If I have three people, then that means that one person will be crammed.  

I have read enough books and watched enough videos to know that the size of the room is not supposed to matter, but the gathering itself and the people with whom you gather.  However, I just can't get over it.  So perhaps, what I need is a counselor.  The only free counselor I know is Jesus Christ.  I will take it to Him and ask about these gatherings.  

I feel wholly insecure when I visit other people's homes and see a model home quality type of home that does function as a place for gatherings and is super welcoming. I not only feel very insecure, but a tinge of jealousy and inferiority.  Why can't I have that? Why can't I be like that person? 

My home welcomes very few people.  Of course, writing that makes me realize that my home is an inanimate object and that the person that needs to welcome people into my home is me, but that is what I'm working on.  

I have read about situations where the house is so unclean or disorganized and the chaos syndrome, but my home is not that.  It is pretty clean for the most part, but it's mostly the furniture and bits of disorganization.  What to do?  I can't bring myself to sell the furniture because I feel I will not get the right amount of money for it. 

Do I expect to recover all of the money?

 No, of course not.  

Do I want to give it away for pennies on the dollar?

No.  

I know Sarah from She Holds Dearly stated that sometimes furniture or other things can become bullies in our homes.  They remind us of our poor decisions--financially or decorating--and that we should let go of them because they are bullies.  I guess I'm not quite ready to deal with my bullies...as sad as that is to write.  

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

Today is Father's Day.  My father passed away in September 2011, but he lives on in my heart and in my memory.  He was a good father--not perfect--because no one is perfect, but still a very good father to my siblings and me.  My dad was a hard worker.  I do not remember him ever having leisure time a la Thorstein Veblen.  He worked very hard to provide for a family with five children.  All five of them loved by him.  I was and am blessed to know and to feel that my father loved me.  My dad was gregarious.  He loved (absolutely loved!) to laugh.  He always had a warm smile for every one.

Sometimes when I take a picture of myself, I see my father's face.  I have his eyebrows and a lot of his facial features and expressions.  When I see that, I think of him and miss him dearly.  I wish with all of my heart that he had not died at what I think was the very young age of 71.  My brother told me once that he always thought my dad would live to be a very old man and that we would have him for a very long time.  His sentiment expresses how we both feel.  We are the ones that lost out on him.  We do not have him in our lives.

I always strive to do things that I know would make him proud of me.  He wanted me to speak perfect Spanish.  I still try to improve it.  He would want me to be a dedicated, responsible and hard working mother, wife, professional, person, etc.  I try hard every day.  I know that he would have also wanted me to enjoy life and laugh as much as possible. I try to do that, too.

I miss my dad's laughter.  I miss his stories and funny anecdotes.  I miss his frankness. And, yet, I know that he lives on in my memory and my life.  I am a lot like him.  My dad could be clear-eyed and tell me the truth without mincing words.  I have (much to the chagrin of my husband and my girls and others close to me) become like him in that regard.  I've been told that I can be funny, but serious when the time calls for it--just like him. When someone says to me, "You remind me of your father in that he also ..," I take that as a compliment.  I know that to a large extent, I am my father's daughter.  In John 14:9, Jesus answered Philip and said, "If you have seen me, you have seen my father."  I feel that way about my earthly father, if you have seen me, you have seen my father.  As a Christian, I want the same thing to be said about my Heavenly Father.  I want to show Christ to others and have them see Him through me.

Hello old friend,

I am back.  Albeit, a little more bruised than before by life.  I am doing all I can to stay afloat with my new endeavor I call teaching. Every Sunday night I start feeling this panic come over me as I sit down to work on a lesson plan.  I am just treading water at this point. This is my first year teaching APUSH/Dual Enrollment 1301 and it's kicking my butt something awful.

I write to you because everyone else is tired of hearing me out.  Why can't you lesson plan during the week?  Why can't you get your act together? I work all week and then on the weekends I try to catch up on the housework that needs to get done, and my how much housework it is! It is hard work.

Maybe one day I will get my act together.  Today is not that day.

Good night!

What a year!!

Hello old friend,

What a year it has been, huh?  My heart is heavy because of all the tragedies that have happened this year.  If we work our way back, it has been the fires in California, the Texas Church, the NYC event, the Las Vegas, the Hurricane, etc., etc.

It has been a tough year for me, too.  I made the switch from 6 grade to 10th--AP World History.  Goodness me!  What was I thinking.  I do not struggle with behavior as much as I did in 6th grade, but I do struggle with students that really don't care enough to try hard.  I am desperately seeking a way to motivate them, to make them work, and above all, to make them learn in spite and despite of themselves.  Guess what?  It "ain't" working!!!

I panic because everyday I think that they need to be learning because at the end of the day, next August, I will be measured against every other AP World History teacher in the district.  I do not want to fall flat on my face, but I also do not want to work like a darn mule every blasted day!!  I know that as of right now I am working harder than them.  I am the one learning all of the content and they are the one copying off of me.  How stupid is that?!

Today was a rough day because of a minor discipline issue.  It was resolved, but it was unpleasant.

Don't get me wrong, there are some fun times, and there are some fine times. But, friend, they are few and far between.

Goodnight!  I'm off to Target to get my Secret Santa gift for tomorrow.

Week Deux

Well, here I am.  I have yet to lose any weight, but I have tried to be more careful with money.
I am trying to get my life in order.  I think I am going to have more success this time.  What am I doing differently?  Well, for starters, I am being brutally honest with myself and others.  I feel like at my age, I am really coming into my own.  I need to wake up and smell the coffee.  What do I want out of life?  More importantly, what does God want me to do?  I have been searching in the wrong places.

Day One

So today I ate less and I didn't spend any money.

I walked for an hour, even though I was dead tired when I came home.  Did I mention that I'm a 6th grade school teacher?  I think that explains the dead tired part and added weight gain.

My goal is to lose 10 pounds by December 16th.  We shall see what great things may come!!

Good night.