it is my blog, and i will write about my breakdown if i want to!!

so here we go with the drama, again!! **sigh**

shall we begin?

(by the way--shall is a modal, which means that the action has not happened and may never happen; just like should)

anyway, today is tuesday, which means i have two evening classes. i don't "work" in the morning, and i am here at home most of the day. dans le monde ideal i would have done some light reading and cleaning aujourd'hui. instead, i spent the morning trying to clean the remnants of monday night's happenings because i came in exhausted from my monday night class and didn't clean then. but, maybe i should tell you that i spent the entire weekend reading a book because i had a review due on monday night. it was 190 pages of agricultural industrialization, which was quite interesting, but still exhausting!! i was still writing my paper at 6:50 p.m. (class starts at 7:10 p.m.), when my husband came home to take over the care of the girls.

o.k. so i try to read Heiddeger, Nietzsche, and Derrida! wholly cow, batman!! in my defense, i had read some stuff on thursday, and i thought i wasn't too behind. plus, i thought that 5 hours was enough to get through it. WRONG!!! i read, and re-read, and re-re-read, and nothing was sticking!! NOT A THING!! finally, it hit me: in order to understand this mind-bending stuff, i need some some mind-altering drugs! yes, that is what's been missing. of course, i didn't/can't run out and get them. so, i'm just going to resign myself to the lot of being a stupid student of literary theory.

anyway, the breakdown happened when i was looking at the clock and noticed that i had spent an exorbitant amount of time and was still not getting IT. so, i started making dinner for the girls because i'm not home when they get home from school on tuesdays. try as i may to channel my inner June Cleaver, i just fail. i thought i had everything i needed for dinner (i've actually made a monthly menu and look at it when i go shopping on the weekend) but i didn't have what i needed. so, now i'm not only not understanding the reading, but i have to take time to run to the store to get one item that i need.

i have my momentary breakdown on my way to heb. "why can't you plan right?" "why can't you get your reading finsished on time?" "why did you think you could go to grad school?" i realize that some single, working moms have it tougher, but i'm not living their lives. i'm trying to live mine--without having these moments of negativity. my girls are sacrificing so that i can go to school. my little one wants to know when i'll be "done, done with school, like when will you stop going to school, mommy?"

i realize that nothing worth having comes easy. and, that when i do have my master's degree it will be MY triumph. but it will also be my sacrifice and that of my family's.

all i can think of in these times is that my girls will have one huge incentive to get through school while they are young and single, and that incentive will be my life. they will remember these days. i know that without a doubt. i'm the perfect example of what not to do. they will think: don't put your family through that. don't put your kids through that. and more importantly, what i hope they think is, don't put yourself through that.

alors, i have decided that the only way this mother is going to get through this semester is by abusing another mother. i will be using paper plates, plastic cups, plastic utensils, it will be a plastic/paper-palooza until i graduate. too bad i can't cook using disposable pots.

bonsoir, good people!!