telling time

i currently have about 31 hours to go for my bachelor's degree. so let me break it down: let's say that i take 6 hours in the summer, o.k. that leaves 25, right? then i take 12 in the fall, that would leave 13 right? but how do you take 13 hours? i guess i would have to take 15, and that is TOO many hours for this mama. 12 hours this semester is killing me! if i could take a maymester course, that would be awesome! but, what kind of history course or english course can you take in two weeks? and, by the way, six hours in the summer sounds like murder to me. i have to figure out childcare and work load for the classes, and a host of other things.

sometimes i wish i could stand on a bench at u.t.p.a and preach to young girls. "look at me, i'm struggling to raise a family, keep a house afloat, check my kids homework and do my homework! don't be a fool (like me!) and stay in school!" but, other than the little thing of making a real fool out of myself, would the young girls listen? probably not. i guess we each have to make our own mistakes, and then we have to live with them. to each his or her own mistake.

no olive branch, yet

a few posts ago, i wrote about "what i want to say." well...i haven't had much success in one of the categories. i wrote to someone who i have sort of drifted away from, but the dove has not returned with any signs. perhaps it died in flight, i don't know. have you ever had that happen to you? {honestly, we know that is a rhetorical question because there are no comments on this blog.} you send out a communication offering and not see it returned? you wonder if you did something, or perhaps (worse, yet) you know that there was something, but can't really define what "it" was that caused the silience.


there is a situation, though, in my life in which, i'm the one that has not returned the phone calls, and probably never will. i'm too hurt, and i can't seem to forgive. until i stop feeling hurt, offended, and rejected, I don't think I can forgive.

enough with the sad, sob story for now, though. i have to read for historiography. we will probably have a quiz, and i don't want to have an anxiety attack when the time comes.

au revoir, mon cheri lecteur. je fait mes devoirs.

gotta run

i'm in the throes of silent rebellion. i don't want to exercise! i haven't ran since november. why? i guess because i just don't want to. my knees have been bothering me slightly and that is enough for me to "punk out." my problem, however, is that if i'm going to run in my 6th beach-to-bay in may, i need to start running. running in corpus christi in may is a lovely daydream i like to entertain, so i'll probably start running this week. i'll keep you all posted. a distant memory of bygone posts about activity logs rings a fading bell.

school is going fine, though. i like my classes for the most part. i need to get busy with my research paper on the marshall plan and the coming cold war. all i need is PLAN! that, and to be told what to do. i work better when i'm told what to do. some people are born to lead, and others are born to follow. i think i fall in the latter (as pathetic as that sounds). ;)

school daze

do you remember the little school bus cut-out that the children wear the first days of school. the one with yarn? the one that has their name, the name of their teacher, and classroom number, etc., in case they get lost? i sure could of used one yesterday! i worked up the cran to ask the French professor if i could be an auditor in her class, and she said yes. Great! right? well i was so excited about my second day of french, i completely forgot about my american literature class right after! i strolled down to a computer lab after the free french class, printed some lecture notes for my afternoon class, went to the student union to buy some coffee...and then i woke up and smelled it!! it suddenly dawned on me that i was supposed to be in my literature class, not parading down campus! i rushed out like a sort of goblin running with my cup of coffee and spilling it all over my hand (had it been scalding, i would have had second degree burns to be sure!). i walked into class with my racing heart in my hand, hoping that i would not be counted absent. ay, ay, ay!!!

how to make so-so banana bread

due to our collective "hard times" as a country, i have decided to become more...let me see, what is the word? FRUGAL??? so, i did not want to throw out some very ripe bananas that were on the counter and decided to make banana bread, instead. however, although my name is Martha, my last name is definitely not Stewart. :)

first i had to get a recipe for banana bread from the food network website. then i had to make several trips to the grocery store. so much for ending global warming with me up and down the road. on the upside, however, maybe it (wasting gas) is good for the economy? i don't have the staples of a baker in my house: parchment paper, baking soda (the kind i could use and not the kind i could get from my refrigerator), and i forgot what else. so, after wrangling all the ingredients, i proceed to make the five star banana bread. Then I made a fatal mistake:

"Do you want some banana bread?" I ask my husband.

"How does it taste?" he answers with a question.

My six year old pipes up, "It taste so-so."

i looked sharply at her and thought of firing off, "First of all, I don't think a six year old has a true appreciation for GREAT banana bread. Furthermore, I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU DO BETTER!!"

but, i didn't want to enter into a battle of wits. but, my banana bread has officially been renamed the "so-so banana bread." the five star recipe i printed somehow didn't get the five star treatment at my house.

what i want to say

this is year, i have decided that i will not leave things unsaid. so, with that in mind:

i have so many people that i need to write to or call. old friends, that i'm not even sure if they are still friends. why? well, things change, i've moved around a couple of times. and then there are the misunderstandings, etc., etc. i will start tomorrow by writing to at least one person on that list.

i want to say "thank you" to the people that have helped me. sometimes, i get in such a hurry, that i forget to acknowledge their help. for example, the other day i had a doctor's appointment and my neighbor picked up my kids from school and kept them until my husband picked them up. i don't recall saying thank you (and that eats at me because i'm really grateful, but as it stands now, i'm just rude).

i want to write my dreams/goals/aspirations down in black and white; as crazy and far-fetched as they might be. let me give this a stab: my heart yearns for california. why? i have no one to visit there, but for some crazy and oddball reason i want to go to california. my heart pulls me that way. my dad used to work there in the canneries when i was young. perhaps because california was a part of my formative years, i feel a connection to it. another reoccurring day dream is the one that i live on a beautiful mexican hacienda and my life is beyond laid back. i have no worries about money, my daughters are grown and are successful, and my biggest decision is what delicious meal i will have for lunch (around 3:00 p.m.). hmm, let's see will it be enchiladas, chiles rellenos, or mole? i can see the hacienda in my mind. it has a wrap around arched portal all around it. the courtyard is carpeted with lush grass and i have most of my afternoon meals there. sheltered under a huge tree is an ornate wrought iron table covered with fine linens and exquisite place settings. the only thing i haven't figured out is if i live on the hacienda before or after i teach american or british history and literature in one of the universities in Queretaro. my husband says that with the situation in mexico getting worse every day, he will NEVER live in mexico. but, a girl can dream, can't she? of course, the usual far-away-lands are part of my day dreams, such as Paris, London, etc. ;) after reading four books on napoleon this past semester, i would love to travel in Europe. reading the guns of august now is only flaming that desire.

above everything, i want to say i'm sorry. i'm sorry for anything i might have said, intentionally or not, to anyone and hurt his/her feelings. i don't want to live with remorse. when i've talked to my mom about things i would have liked to either work out differently or things in the past i want to change, she only says, "seria muy bonito si la vida fuera perfecta, pero no es patricia. nos equivocamos porque no somos perfectos." so there you have it folks, i've hurt others because i'm not perfect. i've made wrong decisions for the same reason. all i can do now is try to redeem my time through Jesus Christ.

My 2008 Resolutions Revisited

My 2008 Resolutions Revisited:

1. try to enjoy my classes! i did so-so in this category. i enjoyed most of them.

2. do not procrastinate! use my planner to stay organized* of course, this didn't pan out!! :)

3. i will be ecstatic if i receive a B in math. i got an "A" with the help of a tutor and an exorbitant amount of money!!

4. begin applying for scholarships for the fall semester. see number two on my list (the P in my name stands for Procrastinator!! ;)

other resolutions i have are as follows:

1. finish reading "Founding Brothers" by Joseph Ellis this month. (i've been reading it since this summer!) another resolution i didn't keep.

2. after i finish the aforementioned, i would like to read a book on Thomas Jefferson. that way ican work on my other lofty goal of reading a book on every president; TJ is next on my list. let's see that would leave me only forty more presidents to go, easy as pie, remember?
o.k., i did read some, but not all of this book. i'll just tack it on to this year's resolutions.

3. i have read two out of the ten plays in the book, "Ten Greek Plays in ContemporaryTranslations." i have read "Agamemnon" and "Oedipus Rex." i would like to read theremaining eight plays this year. yet another aborted resolution.



But, here is something that i did learn this year: Poetry speaks to the heart.


i didn't realize how the poetry i read this semester would affect me so profoundly.

One poem that I can't get out of my thoughts is Ulysses by Tennyson. I keep thinking of the line that says that every experience is an arch... I love that line. (i am going to have to revisit this post because there are too many things i want to write about this poem, but i have to stop here tonight.)

Ulysses
by Lord Alfred Tennyson

It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Match'd with an aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Through scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vexed the dim sea: I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honoured of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers;
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough
Gleams that untravelled world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!
As though to breathe were life. Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains: but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this grey spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.

This is my son, mine own Telemachus,
To whom I leave the sceptre and the isle,--
Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfill
This labor, by slow prudence to make mild
A rugged people, and thro' soft degrees
Subdue them to the useful and the good.
Most blameless is he, centred in the sphere
Of common duties, decent not to fail
In offices of tenderness, and pay
Meet adoration to my household gods,
When I am gone. He works his work, I mine.


There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail;
There gloom the dark, broad seas. My mariners,
Souls that have toil'd, and wrought, and thought with me,--
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads,-- you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honor and his toil.
Death closes all; but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks;
The long day wanes; the slow moon climbs; the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends.
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down;
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are,--
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.