this is year, i have decided that i will not leave things unsaid. so, with that in mind:
i have so many people that i need to write to or call. old friends, that i'm not even sure if they are still friends. why? well, things change, i've moved around a couple of times. and then there are the misunderstandings, etc., etc. i will start tomorrow by writing to at least one person on that list.
i want to say "thank you" to the people that have helped me. sometimes, i get in such a hurry, that i forget to acknowledge their help. for example, the other day i had a doctor's appointment and my neighbor picked up my kids from school and kept them until my husband picked them up. i don't recall saying thank you (and that eats at me because i'm really grateful, but as it stands now, i'm just rude).
i want to write my dreams/goals/aspirations down in black and white; as crazy and far-fetched as they might be. let me give this a stab: my heart yearns for california. why? i have no one to visit there, but for some crazy and oddball reason i want to go to california. my heart pulls me that way. my dad used to work there in the canneries when i was young. perhaps because california was a part of my formative years, i feel a connection to it. another reoccurring day dream is the one that i live on a beautiful mexican hacienda and my life is beyond laid back. i have no worries about money, my daughters are grown and are successful, and my biggest decision is what delicious meal i will have for lunch (around 3:00 p.m.). hmm, let's see will it be enchiladas, chiles rellenos, or mole? i can see the hacienda in my mind. it has a wrap around arched portal all around it. the courtyard is carpeted with lush grass and i have most of my afternoon meals there. sheltered under a huge tree is an ornate wrought iron table covered with fine linens and exquisite place settings. the only thing i haven't figured out is if i live on the hacienda before or after i teach american or british history and literature in one of the universities in Queretaro. my husband says that with the situation in mexico getting worse every day, he will NEVER live in mexico. but, a girl can dream, can't she? of course, the usual far-away-lands are part of my day dreams, such as Paris, London, etc. ;) after reading four books on napoleon this past semester, i would love to travel in Europe. reading the guns of august now is only flaming that desire.
above everything, i want to say i'm sorry. i'm sorry for anything i might have said, intentionally or not, to anyone and hurt his/her feelings. i don't want to live with remorse. when i've talked to my mom about things i would have liked to either work out differently or things in the past i want to change, she only says, "seria muy bonito si la vida fuera perfecta, pero no es patricia. nos equivocamos porque no somos perfectos." so there you have it folks, i've hurt others because i'm not perfect. i've made wrong decisions for the same reason. all i can do now is try to redeem my time through Jesus Christ.
