party time

(as in pity party!!)

it's my blog, and i'll wah-wah if i want to...wah-wah if i want to...you would wah-wah too if it happened to you... (i would use cry, but i'm too much of a chicken and worry about copyright rules :)

i'm at my wits end!!! no puedo mas!!!

i'm under a pressure cooker, and this goose is cooked!!

if i was to be perfectly honest with you my dear, dear reader, i would tell you that my spirit is troubled and heavy. a thousand times i have asked myself what i'm doing and where in the ... did i (at my 30 something, dangerously close to 40years of age) get the idea that i could be SOMEBODY! the problem is that i can't quit. i can't quit. i can't quit. why? i'm glad you asked. i can't quit because i'm the star of my own story, "THE LITTLE IDIOT THAT COULD."

yes, that's right folks! step right up, step right up, and see this little dumb*#@ attempt what is downright and outright outlandish. will she or won't she? will she break under the pressure and give up on herself? or won't she seem all the more pathetic for trying? what will it be? right now it's any body's guess.

i can't be all things at all times. i can't be a college student/
mother/wife/pta/housekeeper/bookkeeper/individual.

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:

**************

A time to break down,
A time to build up;

A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;


apparently, this is my time to break down. we will see what time tomorrow brings.

bonsoir mon cheri lectuer. je fait mes devoirs.

telling time

i currently have about 31 hours to go for my bachelor's degree. so let me break it down: let's say that i take 6 hours in the summer, o.k. that leaves 25, right? then i take 12 in the fall, that would leave 13 right? but how do you take 13 hours? i guess i would have to take 15, and that is TOO many hours for this mama. 12 hours this semester is killing me! if i could take a maymester course, that would be awesome! but, what kind of history course or english course can you take in two weeks? and, by the way, six hours in the summer sounds like murder to me. i have to figure out childcare and work load for the classes, and a host of other things.

sometimes i wish i could stand on a bench at u.t.p.a and preach to young girls. "look at me, i'm struggling to raise a family, keep a house afloat, check my kids homework and do my homework! don't be a fool (like me!) and stay in school!" but, other than the little thing of making a real fool out of myself, would the young girls listen? probably not. i guess we each have to make our own mistakes, and then we have to live with them. to each his or her own mistake.

no olive branch, yet

a few posts ago, i wrote about "what i want to say." well...i haven't had much success in one of the categories. i wrote to someone who i have sort of drifted away from, but the dove has not returned with any signs. perhaps it died in flight, i don't know. have you ever had that happen to you? {honestly, we know that is a rhetorical question because there are no comments on this blog.} you send out a communication offering and not see it returned? you wonder if you did something, or perhaps (worse, yet) you know that there was something, but can't really define what "it" was that caused the silience.


there is a situation, though, in my life in which, i'm the one that has not returned the phone calls, and probably never will. i'm too hurt, and i can't seem to forgive. until i stop feeling hurt, offended, and rejected, I don't think I can forgive.

enough with the sad, sob story for now, though. i have to read for historiography. we will probably have a quiz, and i don't want to have an anxiety attack when the time comes.

au revoir, mon cheri lecteur. je fait mes devoirs.

gotta run

i'm in the throes of silent rebellion. i don't want to exercise! i haven't ran since november. why? i guess because i just don't want to. my knees have been bothering me slightly and that is enough for me to "punk out." my problem, however, is that if i'm going to run in my 6th beach-to-bay in may, i need to start running. running in corpus christi in may is a lovely daydream i like to entertain, so i'll probably start running this week. i'll keep you all posted. a distant memory of bygone posts about activity logs rings a fading bell.

school is going fine, though. i like my classes for the most part. i need to get busy with my research paper on the marshall plan and the coming cold war. all i need is PLAN! that, and to be told what to do. i work better when i'm told what to do. some people are born to lead, and others are born to follow. i think i fall in the latter (as pathetic as that sounds). ;)

school daze

do you remember the little school bus cut-out that the children wear the first days of school. the one with yarn? the one that has their name, the name of their teacher, and classroom number, etc., in case they get lost? i sure could of used one yesterday! i worked up the cran to ask the French professor if i could be an auditor in her class, and she said yes. Great! right? well i was so excited about my second day of french, i completely forgot about my american literature class right after! i strolled down to a computer lab after the free french class, printed some lecture notes for my afternoon class, went to the student union to buy some coffee...and then i woke up and smelled it!! it suddenly dawned on me that i was supposed to be in my literature class, not parading down campus! i rushed out like a sort of goblin running with my cup of coffee and spilling it all over my hand (had it been scalding, i would have had second degree burns to be sure!). i walked into class with my racing heart in my hand, hoping that i would not be counted absent. ay, ay, ay!!!

how to make so-so banana bread

due to our collective "hard times" as a country, i have decided to become more...let me see, what is the word? FRUGAL??? so, i did not want to throw out some very ripe bananas that were on the counter and decided to make banana bread, instead. however, although my name is Martha, my last name is definitely not Stewart. :)

first i had to get a recipe for banana bread from the food network website. then i had to make several trips to the grocery store. so much for ending global warming with me up and down the road. on the upside, however, maybe it (wasting gas) is good for the economy? i don't have the staples of a baker in my house: parchment paper, baking soda (the kind i could use and not the kind i could get from my refrigerator), and i forgot what else. so, after wrangling all the ingredients, i proceed to make the five star banana bread. Then I made a fatal mistake:

"Do you want some banana bread?" I ask my husband.

"How does it taste?" he answers with a question.

My six year old pipes up, "It taste so-so."

i looked sharply at her and thought of firing off, "First of all, I don't think a six year old has a true appreciation for GREAT banana bread. Furthermore, I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU DO BETTER!!"

but, i didn't want to enter into a battle of wits. but, my banana bread has officially been renamed the "so-so banana bread." the five star recipe i printed somehow didn't get the five star treatment at my house.

what i want to say

this is year, i have decided that i will not leave things unsaid. so, with that in mind:

i have so many people that i need to write to or call. old friends, that i'm not even sure if they are still friends. why? well, things change, i've moved around a couple of times. and then there are the misunderstandings, etc., etc. i will start tomorrow by writing to at least one person on that list.

i want to say "thank you" to the people that have helped me. sometimes, i get in such a hurry, that i forget to acknowledge their help. for example, the other day i had a doctor's appointment and my neighbor picked up my kids from school and kept them until my husband picked them up. i don't recall saying thank you (and that eats at me because i'm really grateful, but as it stands now, i'm just rude).

i want to write my dreams/goals/aspirations down in black and white; as crazy and far-fetched as they might be. let me give this a stab: my heart yearns for california. why? i have no one to visit there, but for some crazy and oddball reason i want to go to california. my heart pulls me that way. my dad used to work there in the canneries when i was young. perhaps because california was a part of my formative years, i feel a connection to it. another reoccurring day dream is the one that i live on a beautiful mexican hacienda and my life is beyond laid back. i have no worries about money, my daughters are grown and are successful, and my biggest decision is what delicious meal i will have for lunch (around 3:00 p.m.). hmm, let's see will it be enchiladas, chiles rellenos, or mole? i can see the hacienda in my mind. it has a wrap around arched portal all around it. the courtyard is carpeted with lush grass and i have most of my afternoon meals there. sheltered under a huge tree is an ornate wrought iron table covered with fine linens and exquisite place settings. the only thing i haven't figured out is if i live on the hacienda before or after i teach american or british history and literature in one of the universities in Queretaro. my husband says that with the situation in mexico getting worse every day, he will NEVER live in mexico. but, a girl can dream, can't she? of course, the usual far-away-lands are part of my day dreams, such as Paris, London, etc. ;) after reading four books on napoleon this past semester, i would love to travel in Europe. reading the guns of august now is only flaming that desire.

above everything, i want to say i'm sorry. i'm sorry for anything i might have said, intentionally or not, to anyone and hurt his/her feelings. i don't want to live with remorse. when i've talked to my mom about things i would have liked to either work out differently or things in the past i want to change, she only says, "seria muy bonito si la vida fuera perfecta, pero no es patricia. nos equivocamos porque no somos perfectos." so there you have it folks, i've hurt others because i'm not perfect. i've made wrong decisions for the same reason. all i can do now is try to redeem my time through Jesus Christ.