Hello long lost nobody out there! 

How have you been?  I am going to get back to publishing my thoughts for you.  What I think in less than 15 minutes every once in a while, during the week.  

Let me first begin by stating that I no longer work as a public-school teacher.  It was real and it was (sometimes) fun, but it wasn't real fun.  I still teach, but it's a different experience.  

Today, I want to write about how I am striving to bring balance to my life.  I am cleaning, cooking, working full time and also exhausted full time.  My heart's desire is to have a beautiful, organized and elegant home. My question that I would like to try to answer in the next twelve minutes is for whom?  For whom would I like to have a beautiful, organized and elegant home? 

Besides my girls who are all grown up and out of the nest, pretty much no one comes to visit me.  I have a very dear brother who will visit me about twice a year and that's it on my side of the family.  I have a tia politica on my husband's side, who will also visit on occasion.  Both of those visits are happy times for me.  

What I would like to do this year, and it is on my list of resolutions is to host 5 gatherings this year.  My family usually hosts Thanksgiving every year, so that is one down.  Therefore, I'm left with hosting four gatherings that I have no clue what they could be or for whom.  

My pie in the sky dream is to host a tea party or afternoon party for some of my close girlfriends, but I have some insecurity issues about my imperfect dining room.  I have a huge China hutch that is too big for the room and a huge dining table to go with it.  If I have three people, then that means that one person will be crammed.  

I have read enough books and watched enough videos to know that the size of the room is not supposed to matter, but the gathering itself and the people with whom you gather.  However, I just can't get over it.  So perhaps, what I need is a counselor.  The only free counselor I know is Jesus Christ.  I will take it to Him and ask about these gatherings.  

I feel wholly insecure when I visit other people's homes and see a model home quality type of home that does function as a place for gatherings and is super welcoming. I not only feel very insecure, but a tinge of jealousy and inferiority.  Why can't I have that? Why can't I be like that person? 

My home welcomes very few people.  Of course, writing that makes me realize that my home is an inanimate object and that the person that needs to welcome people into my home is me, but that is what I'm working on.  

I have read about situations where the house is so unclean or disorganized and the chaos syndrome, but my home is not that.  It is pretty clean for the most part, but it's mostly the furniture and bits of disorganization.  What to do?  I can't bring myself to sell the furniture because I feel I will not get the right amount of money for it. 

Do I expect to recover all of the money?

 No, of course not.  

Do I want to give it away for pennies on the dollar?

No.  

I know Sarah from She Holds Dearly stated that sometimes furniture or other things can become bullies in our homes.  They remind us of our poor decisions--financially or decorating--and that we should let go of them because they are bullies.  I guess I'm not quite ready to deal with my bullies...as sad as that is to write.